By transcription.
Music
Crystal Myers, makers of Mom, the Safer Deodorant and Vitalis for Well-Groomed Hair,
bring you Duffy's Tavern with our guest tonight, Chester Morris and starring Archie himself, Ed Gardner.
Music
Hello, Duffy Tavern, where do you live?
Meet the Archie DiMaggio speaking. Duffy ain't here.
Hello, Duffy.
Yep, yeah, that's right, another crime wave on in the neighborhood, and a bad one.
You know, they held up Grogan's Bar across the street last night.
Well, newspapers said they got a hundred bucks, but Grogan told me two hundred, and he told the insurance company three hundred.
So I figure it must have been about ten bucks.
Huh? Well, I understand the leader of this crime ring is a real murderer, a guy called Whistlin' Sam.
Yeah, the guy specializes in holding up saloons.
How come? I don't know, maybe he just hates television.
Ah, well, don't worry, Duffy, he comes in here, don't forget he's got me to deal with.
Okay, I'll call you back.
Hmm, Whistlin' Sam, a clever crook like that, I'd like to pit me wits against him.
Only trouble is you ain't got a wit to pit.
Eddie, you forget that you are addressing an honor graduate of the Eagle Eye School of Crime Detection.
At correspondence course?
Yeah, too bad I didn't go on with it, you know, the world lost a great detective when I became a bartender.
Yeah, but on the other hand, look at the brighter side, it gained a bum bartender.
You...
You were a great detective.
Okay, Dr. Thomas, would you like to see a demonstration of me remarkable powers of deduction?
Yeah, let's see that, should we?
Uh, well then...
All right, well as me first deducement, I deduct that you just come out of the kitchen.
Hmm, amazing. How'd you deduct this deduce?
Well, A, your right thumb is still wet from being in the soup.
Uh, B, you've got a cobweb on your left ear.
And C, the left leg of your trousers has obviously been nibbled by mice.
And D, you've just seen me walk out of the kitchen.
A useless bit of information if I ever heard it.
Uh, bring on now Whistlin' Sam.
Good evening, I see me by.
Good evening, Officer Clancy. Hey Clancy, is there any reward for the capture of this Whistlin' Sam?
Yes, $500.
$500, huh? You know Clancy, I took that detective course.
Oh, that thing.
What do you mean that thing? I'll have you know it was a pretty stiff course. It took a 75% average to graduate.
What was your average?
38.
How come you passed?
Well, I was especially good at lesson number three.
What was that?
Bribery.
So somehow, rather the teacher passed me.
Uh, yeah, yes sir.
Yeah, I'd like to tangle up with that Whistlin' Sam, all right?
Uh, hey, hey, Officer Clancy.
Oh, yes, Miss Duffy.
I wish you could do something about this crime wave. A girl isn't safe on the street anymore.
What are you doing? Complaining or hoping?
What do I call this guy Whistlin' Sam?
Uh, quite simple, Eddie. It's short for Whistling Samuel.
Well, uh, the way I heard it, he always whistles while he works. Some tune called, uh, uh, Coming Through the, uh, Coming Through the...
Right?
Thank you. I'd make it a double.
Wait, take care.
Ah.
Well, thanks for the drink. Good night, Eddie.
Good night.
Eddie, hey, did you hear that? 500 bucks reward.
Yeah, if you live to collect.
Hmm.
Hmm, but don't forget.
Don't forget this Kistlin' Whistlin' Sam is a killer.
This Kistlin' Sam is a willy.
He's a willy.
Well, well, Eddie, anyway, it's worth taking a chance. Don't forget, uh, I faced death many times before, and I can face it again.
Hello, Arch.
Hello, Finnegan.
Hello, Arch. Did I hear you say you're looking for a crook?
Yeah.
Why did you lose him?
I didn't lose him. I'm trying to find him.
Oh, oh, oh. Uh, what does he look like?
Well, he's got a dark complexion and, uh, beady eyes, uh, lopsided mouth, and a low porous.
Oh, ain't it a shame?
What?
A good-looking guy like that turning crooked.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I wonder if that's the guy that just held me up on the way down here.
You mean you were stuck up?
Arch, I'm never stuck up.
As I was saying, this guy sticks a gun in me rib-chee, and he takes your money or your life.
So I reach in me pocket for me money.
He thinks I'm grabbing me gun, and suddenly he turns a flashlight in me face.
Then what happened?
He screamed and ran away.
Ah!
Are you sure you're telling the truth?
Uh, finally.
Well, which way did he go? It was probably whistling sand.
Well, maybe it was. Hey, no, no, it couldn't be.
Why not?
I just remembered this guy had a high forehead.
How could anybody with a high forehead hold up a jerk like you?
Hey, Arch, is it true that Whistlin' Sam is still on the loose?
Yep, he is, Joe. Did you see anything of him?
Wait, does he have a low forehead, beady eyes?
Yeah.
A broken nose, a lopsided mouth, dry, unruly hair?
That's the guy.
Oh, Arch, isn't it a shame?
What?
I should have told a good-looking guy like that with dry, unruly hair.
I should have told him about Vitalis.
I should have kept me big mouth shut.
I'm only kidding, Arch.
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Now let's see here.
If I'm going after this guy, I'll need a gun and some handcuffs.
Eddie, what happened to them handcuffs I had around here?
I'm using them in the kitchen.
Handcuffs in the kitchen?
Sure. You know, that chef didn't stay here because he liked the place.
Archie, Archie, a customer just came in.
Oh, Eddie, take care of the guy. I'll be in the back room.
I want to see if I still got me hawkshaw's cap and me basil rest on pipe.
Hey, you going to wear a disguise, Arch?
Yep.
Can I wear one?
Do they spray perfume on perfume?
He's going to wear a mask.
Well, I'll be in the back room, Eddie. See you later.
Good evening.
Good evening, sir. Would you care for a drink?
No, thanks. I'm hungry.
Oh. Then would you care for a bite of our free lunch?
No, thanks. I'm sober.
Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you Chef Demarck?
That's right.
I'm a stuffy.
Well, I guess I'm not as sober as I thought I was.
Well, Chef Demarck, imagine us meeting in the flesh.
You know, you know, Mr. Demarck, I'd like you in pictures for longer than you'd care to remember.
Thank you. Miss, Miss...
Miss Duffy, I'm president of the Tyrone Power fan club.
A Tyrone Power fan club, huh?
Yeah.
Well, that's a relief.
Thank you. Incidentally, Mr. Morris, I know how you picture stars hate to be bothered by people.
Yeah.
So, uh, would you like a little privacy?
Yes, I'd appreciate it.
Okay, let you and me go over in the corner and sit in the booth.
Oh, that John phone. Man, man, man, all the time.
Hello? Miss Duffy speaking. Who's this?
Guests? Well, let's see. Is it Harry? Is it George? Herman? Oh!
It's my girlfriend, Katrina Yarbutz.
Hello, hello Katrina. Hey, guess what movie star is standing right next to me.
Wait, I'll put him on the phone. Go ahead, Mr. Morris, say something to her.
Hello, Miss Yarbutz. This is Cary Grant.
What did you tell her that for?
Let her live.
Hello, hello Katrina. Huh? You're going to take a cab and come right over to meet him?
Yeah, give me that phone. Now, hello Katrina, listen, save your money. It's only just a morse.
That's telling her.
Hello Katrina. What? Can we get him to join us tonight? Well, just a second.
Mr. Morris, do you shoot pool?
Yes.
Do you neck?
No.
Hello Katrina, no dice. Yeah, well I'll see you later.
Well, Mr. Morris, I'm afraid I must leave now, so I guess it's a good-bye.
Good-bye, Miss Duffy. And if you ever come out to Hollywood...
Yes.
Let me know in advance.
Well thanks, I'll do that. Toodle-oo.
Toodle-oo.
Well, I've got firmly magnifying glass, but I can't see...
Hello, bud.
How are you?
Wait a minute, your face looks kind of familiar.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you ain't the drunk I threw out last week, are you?
Mr. Archie, don't you recognize this gentleman?
Hey, wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, I think I do. The beady eyes, the dark complexion...
Now look, bud.
Archie's the name. Archie the detective.
Well, look Archie the detective, do you mind if I use this phone?
I'm sorry, this phone is reserved to stop the music.
You can use that phone in the booth over there.
Thanks.
Eddie, Eddie, quick, get them handcuffs right away.
Mr. Archie, you don't think that's Whistle and Sam.
Did you see them beady eyes?
His eyes ain't beady?
Oh no, if he had a couple more of them you could string them.
Okay, well, the guy ain't got a low forehead.
Probably it's just a trick to put me off the trail.
Eddie, it looks like I'm going to get that 500 bucks.
Hey, bud, come here a minute, will you?
Oh, he wants to talk to me. Eddie, while I'm walking over to the phone booth, keep me covered.
Bud, did you say you wanted to talk to me?
Yeah, yeah, I'm out of nickels here, have you got a slug?
Sorry, at Duffy's Tavern we don't use slugs.
However, I might let you use our house nickel with the string on it.
Just stay in the booth there and I'll be right back with it.
Okay. Oh, hello, operator. I'll have the nickel for you in a minute.
Hello, George, are you still on?
Well, look, I've been thinking about my new Boston Blackie picture.
Now, if we shot the bank robbery scene first.
Okay, boy, here's your nickel.
Thanks. Hello, George, did you hear that? Yeah, yeah, we'll start with the bank robbery.
The bank robbery?
Yes, George, I'm looking forward to this one. Yes, sir, I think we'll murder him.
Murder? Little does he reckon we're archie the detective.
And this time, George, a regular schedule. Now, every morning at eight o'clock we start shooting.
Every morning? They don't even take Sundays off.
What? Well, now, look, George, if we don't get the results we want, remember there's always the cutting room.
Them butchers, they don't even stop at arson.
Eddie, quick, call up the FBI. Get J. Herbert Hoover.
But, Mr. Arson. Mr. Arson.
Look, did you notice how he dialed the phone with his right hand?
Yeah. This means that he is not left handed.
What did that prove?
It might be a clue.
Wait a minute, here he comes.
Tell me, did you have a nice phone call?
Oh, sure, wonderful phone call. I just had to get a few people straightened up.
Straightened up?
Yeah, you know how it is.
Oh, of course. I mean, of course. Tell me, do you enjoy your work?
Oh, why shouldn't I? It's good clean fun.
What a fool.
And it's good money, too.
Good money, huh?
Oh, yes. You should hear what they offered me to do my stuff on television.
Tell us, what won't they put on television next?
You ever been on television before?
Yeah.
Under what name?
Boston Blackie.
Boston Blackie?
That's right.
Excuse me a minute. Eddie, I was right. It's Whistlin' Sam.
Boston Blackie is William Sam?
Don't you get it, Eddie? Boston is in Massachusetts, right?
Right.
The abbreviation of Massachusetts is Mass.
So what?
It's obvious. Mass is Sam spelled backwards.
Now, just a minute. The word Mass has two S's in it.
What do you care how Sam spells his name?
Now, you hold him here while I go get Clancy the Cop.
You hold him while I get Clancy the Cop?
Finnegan.
Yes?
Go get Clancy the Cop.
Got ya. I'll get Clancy the Cop.
Well, gentlemen, it's been nice meeting you all, but I'm afraid I'll have to run along.
Wait a minute. You can't go yet.
Why not?
Well, you've got to stick around. I got some ideas for you for that bank robbery.
Well, okay, but give it to me fast.
I'll be right with you. Eddie, Eddie, I'll stall him and you'll lock the door.
Lock the door?
Yeah.
That ain't gonna be easy.
Why?
You just fell off the hinges.
Well, vote the family entrance then. Throw a dragon around the place.
Whistlin' Sam must pay his debt to society.
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Finnegan, did you find Clancy the Cop?
Yeah, he's coming right down.
Good.
Now look, Mr. Arch, I've been trying to tell you for half an hour you've got the wrong guy.
Oh yeah? Well, we'll soon find out. Finnegan, I want you to help me grill a guy.
Oh boy, a barbecue!
Don't get so excited. I realize that you're a gourmet, but what I meant was we've got to give the guy the third degree.
Oh.
Hey you, Sam.
Sam.
I beg your pardon, Boston Blackie.
My name is Chester Morris.
He's changed it again.
Look, whoever you are, I think our little farce has gone far enough.
In other words, Sam, we know you're Sam.
Now look, I'm trying to tell you I'm Chester Morris. I'm a movie actor.
Huh? A movie actor?
With that face?
Oh, what a phony alibi.
Hey, wait a minute. Here comes Clancy the cop now. Well, Officer Clancy, here he is. Whistling Sam.
Now look, you dehydrated Dick Tracy. How would you like a punch in the nose?
Now just a minute, just a minute. Archie, you sure you got the right man here?
Am I sure? My dear Flatfoot, are you questioning Archie the great detective?
Well, has he whistled?
Why?
Well, you know Whistler Sam's trademark. He always whistles coming through the rye.
Okay, well, spare at that right now. Sam, do you know how to whistle?
Sure.
Let me hear you whistle coming through the rye.
Okay, you are, Clancy. The case of whistling Sam is closed.
Come along, you. Come along.
Oh, amazing, Arch.
Elementary, my dear Finnegan.
How did you ever figure me that out?
Well, sir, it was quite similar to the case of the missing earlobe of Countess Frelinghuysen.
I'll never forget that foggy night.
Yes, doctor?
What?
That man coming in, I don't like his look.
You don't like it?
Eddie, you have to distrust everybody.
As I was saying, it was a foggy night and the, uh...
Eddie, what's the name of the song that guy is whistling?
I'm Margie. Let me out of here.
Wait a minute. Don't get excited. We just sent whistling Sam to jail, Eddie.
Oh, you sent whistling Sam to jail, eh?
Yeah, that's why it was such a funny coincidence, you know.
Right after the cops take him out, you come in whistling his song.
That's very funny.
Yeah, by the way, I see you've got a violent case with you.
You looking for a job?
In a way.
What kind of a fiddle you got in the case there, a Stradivarius?
No, a Winchester.
Very fine instrument.
Well, I'm sorry, there's no jobs open at the moment, bud, but maybe you'd like a little drink, eh?
Yeah, thanks. Thanks. I'll, uh, I'll take a glass of milk.
Milk? Eddie, I wonder if this guy's name is Boyce.
Milk. Well, uh, although, bud, you know, sometimes I think maybe we should all drink milk, you know?
We might live a little longer.
You might.
You know, like the guy once said, art is long and time is fleeting, and our hearts don't stout and brave,
still like muffled drums are beaten, funeral marches to the grave.
Gee, that's pretty.
Who wrote it, Nick Kenny?
No.
Anonymous?
No, no, Longfellow.
Him, I never heard of.
By the way, do you mind if I put the radio on? You know, I just captured a criminal,
and I'm expecting him to mention me name over the air.
Well, that's nice.
Yeah, Eddie, turn the radio on, see if they've reported the capture yet, huh?
Okay.
That's it.
Ladies and gentlemen, a special warning to all residents of Third Avenue.
Whistling Sam is still at large.
What?
Whistling Sam, so called because he is always whistling, coming through the rye,
was last seen carrying a violin case in his right hand, which incidentally is minus the middle finger.
An interesting sidelight on this desperate criminal is the fact that he never drinks anything stronger than milk
and is particularly fond of voting Longfellow.
Eddie, shall we stroll outside and see if the Calla lilies isn't blown?
Hey, friend, before you go, where's the milk?
You're sure you don't like coffee?
No.
No. But you do like Longfellow.
Yeah.
What you doing now?
Praying for coincidence.
You know, stranger, that fellow they were describing on the radio, he sounds a little bit like you.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, of course, they said the middle finger on his right hand was missing.
You mean this one?
Calla lilies, yeah, I come.
Now stay where you are, you two punks.
Look, I don't like to keep secrets from you. This is a spook up.
Now allow me to introduce myself. I am Whistling Sam. And you?
Permit me, I am Archie, the great detective.
And you?
Eddie Green, friend of the underworld.
Well, let's get it over with, boys. You, what do you get in your pocket?
Nothing but lint.
How about you?
Me? I got two bucks.
Well, hand it over.
Oh, wait just a minute. Eddie, here's that buck I owe you.
All right, look, I'll take that buck. Well, gents, thanks for the donation. I'll drop in and see you boys again sometime.
Archie, here, Archie, I want to talk to you.
Look, Plantey.
No arguing.
No, but Plantey, that crook leaving the tavern, it's with Whistling Sam.
How many times do you think you can fool me?
Look, I'm trying to tell you something.
I mean, this is all you told me. This guy was Whistling Sam. He turns out to be Chester Barratt, the movie star.
Now, wait a minute, officer. Let me look at this man.
Me?
Yeah.
Hmm. The criminal type.
Who?
Just a minute. Let me hear you whistle coming through the rise.
Okay.
Officer Clancy, isn't that the tune Whistling Sam always whistles?
Why, sure.
And notice the beady eyes.
The low forehead. The lopsided mouth.
My golly, I've known him for years and I never noticed him.
Archie, you're under arrest.
Now look, Clancy, you can't...
I'll lock him up, officer. Boston Blackie has done it again.
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It's time now to leave Duffy's Tavern for this evening, but let's meet here again at the same time next Wednesday.
Duffy's Tavern is brought to you by Mom, the safer deodorant, and By-Talis for well-groomed hair.
Each Wednesday, Bristol Myers brings you Duffy's Tavern and Mr. District Attorney, which follows immediately over most of East Station.
The preceding was transcribed. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.